Just keep swimming....

Well, I haven't shared what is going on with a lot of people lately, but I thought I would write it down for those that might be struggling with adoption or may need to hear what I might possibly have to say. If nothing else, I want to write this down so that my kids will know how much we pray for them, how much they have prayed for the baby that will join our family one day. and the process of Heavenly Father bringing us our baby. 

About 6 months ago, I started to get really strong promptings that we needed to start the adoption process again. We started getting all of our paperwork done and our home study updated so that we could put our profile on adoption.com. I also have to add that Reese has been talking about this brown baby girl that is going to join our family for almost 8 months. We were not sure if we should go through an agency or try adoption.com so we have been praying a lot to know what we should do to find our baby girl.

In March, we put our profile on adoption.com and a few weeks later, we were contacted by an adoptive couple that had been matched with a birth mother, but they had just felt that this baby was not meant for their family. They said it was a weird feeling, but they talked to the birth mother and she wanted to talk to us and thought we had a cute family. We started talking to her in April and she was 34 weeks pregnant. She decided that she wanted to place her baby with us and we became really close to L. The only problem was that there was a paternity question and there were 2 potential birth fathers. One wanted to parent the baby and the other wanted to place. The birth mother did a pre-natal paternity test and the results said it was the birth father that wanted to place the baby for adoption. I also have to add that after Ron and I had talked to L for the first time, Ron asked if I would pray with him. Ron started to pray about this adoption situation and as he was praying, I saw this baby girl. She was brown and she was old enough to sit up on her own. She had a pony tail on top of her head and she had soft curls. The soft curls stuck out to me because you could tell that she was not full African American. Her curls were not tight curls like Reese's hair. I also felt the impression, "Everything will be fine." When Ron finished praying, I opened my eyes and started crying. Ron asked what was wrong and I said, "I think I just saw our daughter." I told him what had happened and you could really feel the spirit.  So we were talking with L and she wanted us to drive out to Cali so we could be there when she delivered. I had all of our bags packed and then we didn't hear anything from L for about 10 days. She finally contacted us on May 13th and said that she had had the baby and that they had done another paternity test, but hadn't gotten the results back yet. She really felt like the baby was the guy's that wanted to place so she made us feel really confident. We facetimed with L and the baby and really started to get attached to her. The following monday, she told us that the one birth father that wanted to keep the baby wouldn't let her log in to see the results for herself, but he told her that he was the father. It was a little weird, but we told her that we would support her in whatever she wanted to do. If she wanted to get another paternity test, we would be happy to pay for it or if she just wanted to parent and leave things as they are, we would support her as well. I also have to add that L was doing the best she could with trying to place the baby for adoption while having to bring the baby home. She was trying to not bond with having a baby at home, but that is not a situation I would wish on anybody. I have done it twice and it is difficult. Anyway, we wished L good luck and said our goodbyes. One week went by and we received a text from L that said that she had been kicked out of her house and she wanted us to take the baby. She felt like the baby belonged in our family and she had made a mistake. We told her that we would love to adopt her sweet baby girl, but we still needed the birth father to relinquish his rights because we couldn't bring the baby to our home and have our girls bond with her only to have the birth father come take her a few weeks later. We are not doing that again. Anyway, so the 2 birth fathers and the birth mother had done a state ordered paternity test and it would take 3-4 weeks. So during these next few weeks, we had the chance to get really close to L. We would facetime and talk to the baby and we also had the chance to have a lot of great missionary discussions. She had talked about her desires to be married in the San Diego temple and about her conversion story. We had a lot of great conversations and 5 weeks went by without any results. On the 5th week, I had a feeling that she had received the results and so I texted her and told her that I had a feeling that the results had come that day and if they did, could she please tell me the results either way. We didn't hear anything from her. I started to get a lot of anxiety and just wanted to know what the results were. 4 days out and I was a complete mess. Ron told me that he had texted L with out me knowing and told her that I was struggling and if she could please let us know what the results were or what she had decided to do either way, we would really appreciate it. He didn't hear anything. Finally on Friday, I said a prayer to Heavenly Father and said, "Heavenly  Father, I am really struggling right now. If this baby is not the baby that is meant for our family and it is time to let her go, please put us in contact with another birth mother." The very next day, we received an unexpected email from another birth mother named H. She was such an answer to our prayers and I she seemed so sweet and sincere. I was very excited to get to know her better. I knew the next baby that was coming to our family was a brown baby girl and H said she was pregnant with a baby girl and was due in Nov. A few days later, when I started texting her more, she said that the birth father was African American, so the baby would be bi-racial. I started crying when I read this because I felt like this could really be our baby girl. When Heavenly Father showed me the baby girl and the feeling, "everything will be fine." I felt like things were starting to make sense and I just needed to be patient. I felt really close to H very quickly and truly felt like this was our baby, but one week ago, she told us that she had been talking with her dad and felt like she needed to take some time for herself. Then 2 days ago, I texted her and she texted back and told us that she had decided to parent her baby girl. I was kinda blindsided and heartbroken, but I truly wanted to support her. She and Heavenly Father will know what is best for her baby and I'm really proud of her for taking the time time to truly pray and search the scriptures to know what is best for Hope(what she calls her baby).  I had a really rough day on Tuesday just trying to process everything that had happened. My children are always the perfect reminders that the right baby ends up in your family and I can never doubt my Heavenly Father and I know He will never take away someone's agency. Tuesday night, I just hugged Ren as I was putting him to bed and started to pray. My prayer turned to one of gratitude for all that we have been blessed with. Namely, Reese, Nora, & Ren. I think one of the reasons that I struggled so much after H told us that she had decided to parent was that I truly love these birth mothers I come in contact with.  In a way, I feel like I have a short window to love them, try to be a good influence in their life, and remind them that Heavenly Father is involved in their life. Whether they place their baby for adoption with us or not, hopefully I have done my best to let them know they are loved. The difficult part about loving with all your heart is that the rejection hurts a lot as well. I know all things will work out well though and that our baby is out there. My testimony is strengthened so much by every adoption experience we go through. Ron gave me a blessing a few weeks ago and in the blessing, I was blessed with some incredible things that really strengthened me. He spoke about how my emotional vulnerability allows these birth mothers I come in contact to feel my love, but it is difficult on me and that I need to lean on my family for support. I was blessed  to love these birth mothers and that my love might be constant when they feel like  no one loves them. I was blessed that my faithfulness is stronger than the chords of death (D&C 121:44). This was such a humbling blessing.  On Tuesday night, I was processing things and praying and I went to bed early. The next morning, I woke up and had an email from Ron. 

Darcee - 

While Reese and I were reading scriptures tonight we got to 1 Ne17:13. It reminded me of one of the primary themes of the Book of Mormon.  

13 And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.

I feel like we are being led toward our promised land, although we are coming to know God through the extremities of the adoption experiences we are given -- yet He is still leading us toward the promised land. And when we get there we will know that it was by Him that we were led. 

I'm so sorry for the heartache you have had lately with both of these young ladies.  I know you have poured your heart out in love toward them and the love wasn't returned. I believe they have been very blessed by your friendship.  I believe they have had their hearts imprinted with your love and despite their current choices they will be permanently changed by their interaction with you. 

I love you and am so grateful to be married to you. 

Love, Ron

I am so grateful to be married to Ron. Isn't he amazing! He is my rock and I love him so much.  As I read this email, I was reminded of the strength of our eternal marriage, the strength of the scriptures, and that Heavenly Father is truly leading us to our baby. I am so grateful for these experiences that strengthen my testimony. I am grateful for a husband that honors his priesthood and is such a rock in my life. I am grateful for my beautiful children and for every day that I have the opportunity to be their mother. They bring me so much joy and I am the luckiest mother in the world to be able to love these 3 perfect kiddos. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that is aware of our desires and walks us through the hard times and the good times. I feel His hand in our lives everyday and that is such a blessing.