The process will change you....

I have been very hesitant to write this post because it is very personal. I guess I have felt that if it somehow helps somebody else, then I probably should write it. Anyway, last week was an incredible week. I didn't do anything spectacular, but the promptings of the spirit were so strong and it truly is the peace that passeth all understanding. Lately, we have been trying to figure out what to do next in our attempts to start our family and I was thinking about how 2 years ago we received the promptings to try to adopt after a year of infertility treatments. In my weak moments, I start to think about how 3 years have gone by, 2 failed adoptions, and still no kids! Well, a couple weeks ago, I was in sacrament and received the strongest promptings. The words came into my head, "The adoption process wasn't about getting a baby, it was because the process will change you." I was overwhelmed not only to know that my Heavenly Father has never left me and knows exactly what I am going through, but I knew that the words that came into my head were true. I know this adoption process has truly changed me and is helping me to become what my Heavenly Father needs me to be. It is amazing to me how I can feel so much peace and hope when the trial is not over. Nothing has changed in terms of us starting our family, but it seems like everything has changed in terms of how I perceive waiting upon the Lord. Now, I am not saying that I don't cry over not having a baby because I would be lying or that I think it was right for the birthmom to keep the baby, but I have just learned that it is not always about the baby. I am so grateful for these promptings that help me to know that I can still feel the spirit. Sometimes I start to wonder if I have become desensitized to the promptings of the Holy Ghost so that is very comforting. As difficult as this has been, I love it. I love the things I am learning and I know it will bless my family later.

Bedding and Clothes....

I loved buying all of these cute baby clothes and I had to post some pictures before I returned them. That is the hardest part........but at least I learned to keep the tags on this time.

love BabyLegs

I love love love the bedding I bought. Don't pay attention to the green wall in the back. We were planning on moving so I didn't bother painting it a different color. I am keeping the bedding and hopefully we will have a girl sometime.

"Hal, I wasn't there for the weeds."

I should know better than to post something when I am kinda emotional because I end up sounding really mean. I am sorry for my last post. I really am not a mean person. I just have to say that the atonement is real. After Jessika changed her mind, I was really angry, sad, and I started to feel a lot of the feelings that I felt when Cassie decided to keep Karsen. It was a couple of rough days, but the amazing part is with prayer, truly those burdens have been lifted. I don't feel any of the hurt, but I feel such peace. I know that our Savior truly knows what we have been going through and has lifted our burdens. That empty feeling has been filled with His love and it is so motivating. Well, this morning I was reading my favorite book, "To Draw Closer to God" by Pres. Eyring while I was running on the treadmill and I read a chapter that has my favorite quote in it. Which is.... "Hal, I wasn't there for the weeds." Pres. Eyring tells of his father who has bone cancer and was in charge of weeding the church onion field. He was in so much pain that he was dragging himself down the rows by his elbows pulling weeds. One of the men came up to him and said, "Henry, you did not just pull all those weeds did you? We sprayed them 2 days ago and they were going to die." Pres. Eyring said his dad just laughed as he told this story and Pres Eyring asked his dad how he could laugh at this story when he was in so much pain. His dad told him, "Hal, I wasn't there for the weeds." Pres. Eyring then goes on to say how we may be weeding in an onion patch most of our life and it may be very trying when the onions don't easily come out or when they don't come out at all, but we didn't come here for the onions, we came here for the Savior and we continue to have faith in Him even when the blessings are delayed or don't come in this life.
Again, my favorite quote took on a whole new meaning and I love the testimony that I am gaining through this experience. I truly have felt our Savior's love so strongly and have been inspired to do better and be better. I am learning what it means to be submissive and how much happiness I can feel from being submissive to our Heavenly Father's will. It has only taken me 25 years, but I am starting to get it:) He truly has a plan for each of us and we can be happy through anything if we trust in Him.

Unlucky.....

It's a good thing that we wrote out all of our favorite quotes the other day because I have definitely needed them. So we just found out that Jessika changed her mind and decided to single parent. I cannot believe we are going through this again. I had a lot of anxiety about flying out to California when the baby would be born, but I was still so excited. I think the thing that is most difficult for me now is just thinking about all the time that was lost over the past 5 months of being committed to Jessika as well as the hopelessness I feel about what to do next. I told Ron that I was done with trying to adopt, but the scary part with saying that we're done is that I have no idea what to do next. Our caseworker asked how I was doing and I just told her that I feel numb. It's hard for me to care anymore and that is not me. I feel like I try to have compassion and love toward these birthmothers, but the difficult part is that you grow to love them and so it just hurts more if they decide to keep their baby. It is difficult to look around and see all of the dresses, leggings, bows, crib sets, and I could go on and on about all that I have bought for this little baby girl. I just feel numb! I had told our caseworker that I felt numb and then they explained to me that what I was really saying is that I just don't want to feel anymore. That is true. It's difficult for me not to love and not to excited and it's also difficult to not feel hurt and not to feel hopeless. Ron and I have talked about whether we should again try to adopt or save up and try IVF and our decision is........neither. We decided to just take a break and concentrate on building our house. Hopefully we still will be able to build our house because I really need something to look forward to. Some kind of success! Not that we are putting our house in front of starting our family, but we just need to take a break and figure out what to do next. Ron and I joked before about if we had another failed placement, we would get another puppy, but now that it actually happened, we can't become "dog people". Those people that have more dogs than family members and covered in dog hair all the time. I thought about going down to park city and going shopping, but then I would get home and again just feel that empty feeling. I could chow down on ice cream, but then I would just gain weight, so I resolve to running. But this time I won't over do it and break my foot. Oh yeah, and I ended up cutting my hair 6 inches. Sorry I am so cynical right now. I hope that all of my issues don't come back with holding babies. After our first failed placement, I couldn't even look or hold a newborn baby without crying. I finally was able to hold babies just a few months ago. I am afraid I will have some of those same issues again.

Anyway, I just have to say how grateful I am for my rock of a husband. He is always so selfless. Pushing aside his feelings to make sure I am ok. He is so sweet to surprise me with gifts, movies, and dinner tonight. Not that buying stuff makes everything better, but it is nice to be spoiled when life just seems to be crappy. Although we don't have kids, I am grateful that I have a wonderful husband. That makes all the trials seem trivial.

I know that Heavenly Father has been with us and I have felt His comfort and love. We must partake of "life's bitter cups without becoming bitter."-Maxwell

I realize this is what mortality is about......experiencing the bitter and the sweet. Both of which strengthen our testimony and makes everything worth it.

Here is another quote for me to add that helped me...

"It is easy enough to be pleasant,

When life flows by like a song,

But the man worth while is one who will smile,

When everything goes dead wrong." -Ella Wheeler Wilcox (Pres Monson talk "Miracles of Faith")

"Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!" -Elder Maxwell

Quotes....

The other night I had told Ron that I wanted to come up with a Family Creed. Something that we could memorize and that our kids could always remember and help us all remember what we hope our family will represent. We decided to look up some of our favorite quotes and write them down and then decide what we want to put into our creed. It was a lot of fun and I really felt the spirit as we just read these simple one liners. It made me realize how much these simple quotes have changed my life. Anyway, we have not come up with our family creed or motto or whatever you want to call it yet, but I decided to have a post with all of my favorite quotes on it. These are a few and I will add more.

"We can have eternal life if we want it, but only if there is nothing else we want more." - Bruce C Hafen

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." - F Burton Howard

"Hal, I wasn't there for the weeds"- Henry Eyring

"Learn to laugh at the incongruity of your own predicament. Who has more predicament than someone who is giving much and not receiving much in return?" - Henry B. Eyring

"If you have not chosen the kingdom of God first, it will in the end make no difference what you have chosen instead."
— Neal A. Maxwell

"If various trials are allotted to you, partake of life's bitter cups but without becoming bitter." - Neil A. Maxwell

"no misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse."- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"I'm not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down." - Elder Henry B. Eyring

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time."
— Neal A. Maxwell

Ella Wheeler Wilcox, the poetess, wrote:

It is easy enough to be pleasant,
When life flows by like a song,
But the man worth while is one who will smile,
When everything goes dead wrong.

For the test of the heart is trouble,
And it always comes with the years,
And the smile that is worth the praises of earth
Is the smile that shines through tears

"Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!" -Elder Maxwell

“The noblest aim in life is to strive … to make other lives … happier.” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1961, p. 131.

Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! -Elder Maxwell

Ensign, May 1978, pp. 10–11.

Let me here say a word to console the feelings … of all who belong to this Church. Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring. You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you. If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations. … and when you have assisted in peopling one earth, there are millions of earths still in the course of creation. And when they have endured a thousand million times longer than this earth, it is only as it were the beginning of your creations. Be faithful, and if you are not blest with children in this time, you will be hereafter.” (In Journal of Discourses, 8:208.)

Building our House....

So I am really excited that we are finally building a home. The plans are drawn up and we are ready to go. We were supposed to start digging last Friday, but what was approved before is now not approved for some reason. So again we are just waiting to find out what the decision is. Having the plans drawn up and everything was a lot of fun because I finally was able to choose what I wanted. It seems like for the past few years our lives have been dependent on others decisions so it was nice to finally be able to choose something. Yes, lots of choices, but neverthless, I get to choose. Well now again, we are waiting on someone else's decision. Great:( I think the frustrating part is just that if our plans had not been approved before, we would not have put an offer in on the lot and put earnest money down. I should have just known that things would not go smoothly, but I guess I always just hope it does. Ok, my complaining is over! I am really excited that we are able to build. Whether we get this lot or have to go buy another lot we had looked at, we will have wonderful neighbors. We can't go wrong either way. I just want to get started. I am so excited for the baby's room. It is going to be so cute. I also have some fun stuff planned for the playroom. I will post some pictures as soon as the house starts to go up.