Prayers answered....

I remember days after Karsen left our home, praying, "Heavenly Father, if Karsen is not coming back to our home, please help me to feel that peace and help me to have closure." I guess it is part of the grieving process that you tend to think that the child will return, but I needed to get those thoughts out of my head. The next few days and even weeks after, I kept hoping that he was going to return and didn't feel some of the answers to my prayers until about a month later. I was able to feel peace in knowing that Karsen was not coming to our home and another baby will be coming to our home. I know our Heavenly Father answers prayers and that it is not always as soon as we think the answer should come, nevertheless, it will come. I feel so much excitement and love for the child that I don't even know yet that will come to our home. We all have trials and I know we learn our dependence on our Heavenly Father in many different ways. I have now stopped asking questions and just have faith He knows what is best for us:) I have been reading this book by Elder Maxwell and I loved this part of the book....

"Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!"

I love that! I have always heard the quote about how we will not be tried more than we can handle, which is great, but I look at trials differently now. He knows how much devotion we have left to change us. Ron shared with me how when he was 26, he went through a really difficult trial and just thought, "Crap,I'm 26! this cannot be the most difficult trial I will have to pass through." What he went through then really helped us in our last trial. I feel the same way right now. "Crap, I'm 25! This cannot be the most difficult trial I will have to go through." Yet, I know it has strengthened me in the trials that will come later!
Anyway, it's been a good Sunday! I don't mean to sound preachy, but I just wanted to write down some of the thoughts I have had today! Love you all!!

A little better...

Well, yesterday was a little better, but still hard. I woke up in the morning and I new Karsen was gone, but I saw some of his blankets bundled up in his crib and I had to do a double take to make sure he was not there. I started to cry when I was folding all of his little clothes and putting them away. I think it is just the little things that got to me yesterday. Cleaning bottles and putting them in the cupboard, wondering when they will be getting use again. It has been amazingly difficult, but I am grateful for this experience. During those past few days when I had the opportunity to be a Mom, I had more fulfillment in life than I have had in a long time. Although it was just a lot of changing diapers, feeding Karsen, and a couple sleepless nights, but I loved every minute of it. So to all you mom's out there, be grateful for those sleepless nights with your baby because it just means that you are a mother!
It has been very humbling to me to be the recipient of so many prayers! I never had so many people praying for us and I have truly felt every single prayer and have been lifted up. Thank you again so much! The other day when I was reading my scriptures, I was reminded of a prayer I had said about a year ago, "Heavenly Father, please help me to know my Savior better." As I thought about this prayer, I realize that every trial we go through helps us to know our Savior better, helps us to turn to Him, helps us to realize how much love He has for us and continually shaping our life for the better. I know blessings await us! I am just hoping sooner than later!

Update...

I know a lot of people have been wondering what has been going on with our adoption over the past few days so I thought I would just let everyone know. On Saturday, Cassie went into labor and so we went down to the hospital and were with Cassie all through her contractions and then stepped just outside the room so we could hear Karsen when he arrived. She delivered Karsen on the 24th around 4:00pm. The pediatrician said, "Here Mom and Dad "and put Karsen's footprint on one of our hands. I was able to give Karsen his first feeding and the cute nurse let us give Karsen his first bath. He loved the water! Our families came up and we took pictures with them and Karsen. We stayed at the hospital until late that night and then came up the following morning. We left at about 5:00pm and were planning on bringing home Karsen on monday evening after signing all the papers. We hadn't heard anything monday afternoon and finally around 3:00PM, we were told that Cassie was having a difficult time signing the papers and was thinking about parenting. Our caseworker took us into her office and told us Cassie was thinking about parenting and as a last option, Cassie had agreed upon temporary foster care, which means for the next 3 days, she was going to act as if she had placed and Karsen was going to come home with us and if Cassie wanted him back at any time, she could just let the agency know. We really didn't want to do the temporary foster care, because we knew it would be even more difficult if she decided to parent, but we also didn't want Karsen to go to another family for 3 days. The next few days were really difficult. Many people wanted to bring dinners over and come visit the baby and we had to just tell people that we were not having visitors over right now and we figured we would just deal with telling people what happened later. Even though I knew he would be leaving soon, I still dressed him in all of the cutest outfits I had. I would bawl when Ron would lay him on the bed and just play with him and talk to him. We tried to make sure we didn't bond too much (which happened anyway) and we were just waiting for him to be taken away, which he was taken away about 1 and 1/2 hours ago. It has been very difficult, but I have learned so many things from this trial also. I can talk about this now, because I don't think there are any tears left:) I learned that whenever Ron and I do get the chance to be parents, that we work together really well. I learned that Ron will be such an amazing father. I was up with Karsen last night for a few hours and Ron woke up and took a turn so that I could get some sleep and I saw him reading "Goodnight Moon" to Karsen last night also. He will be a great Daddy one day! I also have a new appreciation for my husband. I don't know why we are having such a difficult time starting our family, but I realized that before they come and hopefully long after they leave our home, Ron still will be right by my side and being my support. I know we will have a family some day, and now again I must learn patience and trust in my Heavenly Father. I know he will bless us with children one day! I am so grateful for our amazing friends and family. We are very grateful for your prayers, your children's prayers, and those that fasted for us. We have truly been overwhelmed with your love and support and have been buoyed up. THANK YOU!!