I have been wanting to write about all of our adoption experiences for a while, but it seems like I cannot even stay updated on what is going on. I think I have about 5 drafts on my blog from each time that we have had a failed adoption in the past 8 months, but I never quite know what to say. With each experience, I know my testimony is strengthened and sadly, I become a little bit more numb. I think you become numb just because you don't want to get hurt anymore. That is the reality. You open your heart and your home to a baby. They take a place in your heart and you imagine them in your home and when it doesn't happen, you are left with a hole in your heart that is difficult to fill except with another baby and the atonement. So let me just give a little brief explanation of what has been going on for the past year.........
About a year ago, I started getting feelings again that there was another baby that was supposed to be a part of our family. Crazy enough, I felt that we were supposed to have twins. I couldn't see us adopting twins so I thought that the only way that we would be able to have twins in our family was for me to possibly get pregnant since twins was pretty common when taking infertility meds. I went to see my doctor and we tried some infertility medications to see if my body would even respond to the medications. My body did not do anything, just like the many times before and so we knew that the adoption route would be the way the next baby/babies would come into our family. We started all of our paperwork, clearances, home study, and our profile was published on adoption.com in March. A couple weeks after our profile was published, we were contacted by an adoptive couple that had been talking to a birth mother (La'Tonya) who was expecting a baby girl in May. They didn't feel like they were the right couple for this baby, but felt that we were. We ended up talking to the birth mother and she liked us. The birth mother wasn't sure which father was the birth father out of 2 guys. One wanted to keep the baby and the other wanted to place. Anyway, the birth mother ended up having the baby and then contacting us about it a week later and said that she was waiting to get the paternity results back. A few days later, she decided to keep the baby, then a week later, she called us and said that she couldn't do it and needed us to come pick up the baby. We still needed the birth father's consent and so we ended up waiting 5 weeks of facetiming, texting, and seeing the baby, before the birth mother just stopped talking to us all together and we never heard from her again. Shortly after this failed adoption, we were contacted by another birth mother (Hayley). She wanted to place, but wasn't quite sure if she could actually do it. She knew our history and didn't want to drag us along to see if she could actually go through with it or not. After talking with her for about 4 weeks, she decided that she was going to parent. We were also contacted by a father that was contacting us in behalf of his daughter that was pregnant. (Whitney). We texted with Whitney for about a month before we finally went to dinner with her. As we ate, I could tell that we were not the right fit for her baby. It just wasn't a right match and that is okay. I;m sure she felt the same way because we just stoppped texting after we went to dinner. An adoption agency also contacted us and told us about a couple that were 18 years old and wanted to place their baby for adoption. J & S. We were getting really excited and a week later, J went into labor. After 2 days of trying to figure out what to do. The birth father wanted to parent so the couple ended up parenting. After J & S, we were contacted by Chantea. Chantea lived in New York and was 20 weeks pregnant with twin baby girls. We were really excited about these twins and felt that these had to be the twins we had felt coming, but after 4 weeks of texting and facetiming, one of the baby's heart stopped and she was forced to deliver both twins. The healthy twin did not survive the delivery and both twins died. Although it was heartbreaking that the twins past away, I do have to say that it was much easier for me to accept emotionally something that happened because I felt like it was God's will rather than a birth mother that just chooses to parent. Although all these experiences were discouraging and very difficult, I had faith that the right baby ends up in the right family. My kids are proof of that and I can never allow myself to doubt God's plan because we have ended up with the most perfect children. Something that I did realize was that in all of these experiences, we felt very strongly that we needed to pursue the adoption, After they didn't work out, I was confused why we would be connected with some of these birth mothers for so long and not have it end well. What I did realize was that sometimes it is not about the baby, but that Heavenly Father needed me to be an instrument in his hands. He needed us to be a light and example to those that did not have it in their lives that that time. Ron gave me a blessing and he said that sometimes, they needed to know that I loved them when they felt that nobody loved them. I feel so honored when I look at it this way that Heavenly Father would trust me enough to use me this way. I wasn't sure when it would be our turn to actually adopt our baby, but I knew that Heavenly Father was working through me to touch some of these birth mothers. On birth mother even had the missionaries coming to her house. I have had many opportunities to share my testimony and that has been really neat.
About two months ago, I finally got sick of parent profiles and decided that I just wanted to go though a private agency. We felt like we would match quickly, but it would end up costing around $50,000. After 5 failed adoptions, we felt like this was our only option. We spent hours filling out all of the applications and putting together profile books. Right before we had sent in everything that we needed to, I had a feeling that we should give adoption.com one more shot with the deluxe package. I updated our package and put us back online on a friday. 2 days later on Sunday, it was fast sunday and I had fasted about what to do about adoption. I just felt so lost. I remember driving home from church and I was praying and the impression that came into my mind was....." They're coming." It wasn't a stressful feeling, but a peaceful feeling. I thought it was interesting, but remember those words. I got home and closed my fast. Right after I closed my fast, I checked my email and noticed that we had been contact by a birth mother named Genesha. She lived in Pennsylvania and had 4.5 month old twins. A boy and a girl. The birth father would not consent, but she could no longer take care of the twins financially and emotionally. The birth father was not involved in the babies life and he did not contribute financially at all. We didn't get too excited when we talked with Genesha because we weren't sure what to think and if this would be a good situation to get into. After she told us everything that was going on, we contact an attorney in Pennsylvania that we trusted and he helped us a lot understand the laws and if there was any way that we could adopt these sweet babies. Let me tell you also....... these babies are the cutest babies I have ever seen and I absolutely loved talking to the birth mother. It just seemed like we immediately connected. About 3 weeks after talking with Genesha, we got things lined up with the attorney, Genesha had gone into the attorney's office and relinquished her rights, and we had bought our plane tickets to fly out adopt the babies. The attorney felt that it was a good idea for us to fly out and have the babies placed for adoption with our family and we felt confident flying out to Pennsylvania. So on Tues, Oct 25th, my Mom, Ron, and I flew out to Pennsylvania with 2 strollers, 2 car seats, and a huge luggage full of baby clothes. We were so excited to meet the Genesha the following day and have placement at the attorney's office. I was so excited to hold the sweet babies. Everything went well and everything went as planned on Wednesday. The babies were the cutest thing ever and they were so amazingly good. They loved that we were holding them and I loved listening the them talk and giggle. The twins names are Keffe and Halo, but we were planning on changing their names to Gemma and Eli when we adopted them. I think that naming a child is just a way of building a bond when you adopt the child. Anyway, things went well at the attorney's office. After all the paperwork was signed, we went to dinner with Genesha. It took a very long time to get our dinner and you could tell that at times, Genesha was having a difficult time, but we had a great time together. After dinner, we were talking and it was about time for us to go and she knew it was coming as well and she just started sobbing. She took Halo and just hugged her and cried for a while. Then she gave her to me and she took Keffe and held him and just cried. Then we all cried and hugged her. When a birth mother places her baby/babies in your arms and entrusts them to your care, it is one of the most humbling and exciting times of my life as well as one of the most heart wrenching times of my life. Although adoption is in the best interest of the children, it doesn't mean it is easy. That night, we went back to the hotel and had a wonderful time playing with the babies and loving them. It was amazing to me to watch as both Keffe and Halo would turn their heads to look at me at the same time. It was crazy to watch and amazing as well. We learned quickly that Halo is a talker. She loves the attention and to jabber all day long. Keffe is more relaxed and lets Halo do the talking. That night, the twins slept great through the night and the next morning, we moved to a new hotel that was a lot nicer and bigger. Ron flew home to be with the other kids and my Mom and I stayed with the twins. Everything was going well until Friday. We got a call that the birth father had called the attorney's office and said that he did not want the twins to be adopted. I guess, Genesha told her family that they were being adopted right before the twins came with us and the family went against her back and went and contacted the birth father and told him what was going on. Let me add that our attorney had tried to contact the birth father several times prior to us flying out to Pennsylvania. That is the only reason why we felt confident flying out there in the first place. When Ron called me to tell me, I wasn't sure how to react. I felt like I could no longer bond with the babies, but they were still in my care. I wasn't sure what to do. I finally just had to push my feelings aside and just love the babies for as long as I had the chance to love them. We were still waiting to find out if we would be able to take the babies home with us. We thought that we would get to bring the babies home with us, but would have to fly back for court. Well, Wednesday night, we found out that we wouldn't even be able to leave the state with the babies until the birth father's rights were terminated. That meant that court would be in a month or two and there was no way that I could stay out in Penn that long. It was heartbreaking for Genesha as well. I finally called her that night and we both just sobbed on the phone. She didn't know how she could care for the babies and there was nothing we could do. I had a difficult time caring for the babies that night. Honestly, I had a difficult time even looking at them because I would break down in tears. I didn't know how I could leave Keffe and Halo (now Gemma and Eli. Those are the names we decided to name them). My mom was a rockstar and took care of the babies while I arranged our flights, shuttle, meeting with the attorney to return the babies to Genesha, and everything else. My mom truly was amazing and I was so glad that she was there to do something that I couldnt' do. She came out to help me bring her grandchildren home and instead was doing something that I never wanted any of my family to have to experience. I went through periods of crying and hyperventilating until I couldn't breathe and then I would calm myself down. I did this a few times as we were saying goodbye to the babies and finally we left. It truly was a miracle the way things worked out and we were able to make our flight. Looking back. We truly were in Heavenly Father's hands. I know His grace was with us and it was because of Him that we were able to do what we couldnt' do alone. Even as I write this, I stand it awe of what we were able to do and make it home. I can't explain all the different things, but it was tender mercy after tender mercy. The thought of coming home to my kids helped me get through that last day. I thought they would be home when Ron came to pick us up. We were walking through the airport pushing two strollers with two empty car seats and as we came to the elevator, I saw my 3 beautiful children standing at the bottom waiting for me. I burst into tears as we came down the elevator and just ran to them when we got out. I couldn't wait to hold them. My children mean everything to me and all I could think about was how grateful I am to be their mother. I can handle anything as long as I have my kids and Ron. Without them, I am a mess. I think I scared the kids a little bit because I was crying so hard. This entire experience would be so much more difficult if I didn't have our beautiful children to come home to and a wonderful husband. I felt so numb from the past two weeks that when I came home, it felt like a dream. I knew the twins had been with me, but I think it hurt too bad that I couldn't even process what had happened. I felt that it was so emotionally draining that it took me days before I felt like I could feel again. I was so grateful to be home and to be able to leave all of the emotional stress in Pennsylvania where my children did not have to see what had happened. I was just so grateful that they were somewhat protected from what had happened in Pennsylvania. They have been through so much and I did not want them to have to experience any more loss from adoption.
When I left Pennsylvania and returned the twins to Genesha, the only way that I was able to leave them was the hope that they would be able to come back to us one day. I didn't know how, but I had a peace that they would come back to us. A few days after I got back home to Utah, our attorney in Pennsylvania called us and told us that he had found a way that they could go forward with the adoption and terminate the birth father's rights. Genesha and the birth father would have to go to court and the judge would decide if his rights would be terminated. Genesha was not able to financially care for the twins and she didn't want to get even more attached. We were able to put the twins in a private foster care situation through an adoption agency. We would be paying for the twins to be in foster care for however long it would take. The foster family was wonderful and we got a court date of Dec 1st, 2016. That meant the twins would only be in foster care for about 2 weeks and that they would be home with us for Christmas. I struggled a lot with not knowing what was going to happen and fasting and praying. I kept remembering D&C 123:17. " Dearly beloved, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power. Then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance to see the salvation of God and for his hand to be revealed." Our Heavenly Father is truly in charge. He knows the end from the beginning and I just need to cheerfully do all that I can and then wait and watch for the hand of God to be revealed.
December 1st came and the birth mother and birth father went to court. The birth father showed up without an attorney and the judge told him that he had until Dec 30th to get an attorney and that court would be postponed until January 9th. This was devastating for all involved. That meant that the babies would not be home for Christmas and January 9th seemed like forever away. Honestly, it was so discouraging for us, Genesha, and the foster family. I will write more in the next post.
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