Unlucky.....

It's a good thing that we wrote out all of our favorite quotes the other day because I have definitely needed them. So we just found out that Jessika changed her mind and decided to single parent. I cannot believe we are going through this again. I had a lot of anxiety about flying out to California when the baby would be born, but I was still so excited. I think the thing that is most difficult for me now is just thinking about all the time that was lost over the past 5 months of being committed to Jessika as well as the hopelessness I feel about what to do next. I told Ron that I was done with trying to adopt, but the scary part with saying that we're done is that I have no idea what to do next. Our caseworker asked how I was doing and I just told her that I feel numb. It's hard for me to care anymore and that is not me. I feel like I try to have compassion and love toward these birthmothers, but the difficult part is that you grow to love them and so it just hurts more if they decide to keep their baby. It is difficult to look around and see all of the dresses, leggings, bows, crib sets, and I could go on and on about all that I have bought for this little baby girl. I just feel numb! I had told our caseworker that I felt numb and then they explained to me that what I was really saying is that I just don't want to feel anymore. That is true. It's difficult for me not to love and not to excited and it's also difficult to not feel hurt and not to feel hopeless. Ron and I have talked about whether we should again try to adopt or save up and try IVF and our decision is........neither. We decided to just take a break and concentrate on building our house. Hopefully we still will be able to build our house because I really need something to look forward to. Some kind of success! Not that we are putting our house in front of starting our family, but we just need to take a break and figure out what to do next. Ron and I joked before about if we had another failed placement, we would get another puppy, but now that it actually happened, we can't become "dog people". Those people that have more dogs than family members and covered in dog hair all the time. I thought about going down to park city and going shopping, but then I would get home and again just feel that empty feeling. I could chow down on ice cream, but then I would just gain weight, so I resolve to running. But this time I won't over do it and break my foot. Oh yeah, and I ended up cutting my hair 6 inches. Sorry I am so cynical right now. I hope that all of my issues don't come back with holding babies. After our first failed placement, I couldn't even look or hold a newborn baby without crying. I finally was able to hold babies just a few months ago. I am afraid I will have some of those same issues again.

Anyway, I just have to say how grateful I am for my rock of a husband. He is always so selfless. Pushing aside his feelings to make sure I am ok. He is so sweet to surprise me with gifts, movies, and dinner tonight. Not that buying stuff makes everything better, but it is nice to be spoiled when life just seems to be crappy. Although we don't have kids, I am grateful that I have a wonderful husband. That makes all the trials seem trivial.

I know that Heavenly Father has been with us and I have felt His comfort and love. We must partake of "life's bitter cups without becoming bitter."-Maxwell

I realize this is what mortality is about......experiencing the bitter and the sweet. Both of which strengthen our testimony and makes everything worth it.

Here is another quote for me to add that helped me...

"It is easy enough to be pleasant,

When life flows by like a song,

But the man worth while is one who will smile,

When everything goes dead wrong." -Ella Wheeler Wilcox (Pres Monson talk "Miracles of Faith")

"Even if and when we seem to have squeezed out the last full measure of our devotion, an omniscient and perfectly empathic God not only knows the difficulties through which we have passed and are passing but also knows if any residue of unused devotion still remains to further the process!" -Elder Maxwell